mediocrity rulez

at 3AM!

Ultimately, things have been going pretty well for me lately. I’m back in my parents’ house, and it’s almost mind blowing how drastically my mood has improved. I got out of a toxic environment. When I was in that apartment, I entered this dark hole of a perpetual feeling of shit, and James and Tug were my sole livelihood. Getting out of the apartment and not constantly worrying about money alleviated so much stress that I feel like a human being again.

Being back home isn’t so bad. I’m pretty much a hermit, but a hermit in a great mood and quite content with my solitude. I socialize about once a week, but not frequently. Some days I don’t even talk to anyone except for my family and James.

Oh yeah, James. I miss him so much, all the time. It’s weird, I feel like my love for him has grown to creep(y/ier), haha. I feel extremely fortunate for his presence in my life. Today marks a year and seven months that we’ve been formally dating, and it’s been a pretty crazy year and seven months circumstantially. Me moving five times in that period doesn’t really create much stability. I don’t know. He’s my best friend. I want to be with him. It’s just a little over an hour. People endure relationships with much more distance, 60ish miles is nothing. I’d rather be rubbing his back or picking his nose while he makes fun of me than be doing anything with anyone else. Our relationship seems to be in a really great place, and it’s been that way constantly for the last couple months. Our relationship is pretty much always in a good place, just sometimes a specific event (usually caused by me not speaking up OR me misinterpreting things, BECAUSE I didn’t speak up and discuss it with him) throws things temporarily off course, then it comes back more intense. I don’t know, for lack of better word, it’s all intense. I am intensely infatuated with him. This intense infatuation is kind of scary, because it somewhat prohibits my “Fuck it, fuck you, I don’t care, it doesn’t really matter, just go with it, it is what it is”-approach to um, everything. The last six or so years of my life have been so legitimately fucking crazy and filled with so much weed smoking that I’m pretty indifferent to just about everything. Not James.

Yeah, I’m constantly emotional and happy. I’m back on birth control, and I’m pleased with it I suppose. I haven’t endured the same problems I encountered last time (yet), my periods aren’t bad, and now that I’m into the third pack, the nausea has subsided. I have to prevent myself from FEASTING and I’m beginning to outgrow all of my bras again, but these are things I can deal with. A baby is nothing I want to even think about dealing with. Especially considering the impending apocalypse, it’s just morally reprehensible to try and reproduce.

Gross. Bedtime.